buhay pag-ibig, the anthology 3 [republished]

WARNING: Contents are absolutely ang freakinglyyyyyy… EMO! [part 3]

Ang third installment, kakabugin na ang LOTR trilogy. Charing!

Posted: October 16, 2005

BUHAY PAG-IBIG, THE ANTHOLOGY… 3

tuloy ang buhay,but he remained that special someone. i didn’t look for somebody else coz i know deep in my heart that i can’t and it refuses to do so… ganon kalalim… i loved him from afar i let someone take good care of him… quietly loving him (tanga?). i want my feelings for him to naturally burn out just like it did to H1, to take it’s own course but H2 sees to it na hindi mangyayari yun and that what makes him a selfish man. he wanted me there on his side while having an ongoing relationship with another girl but i didn’t give him the greatest jerk satisfaction, pinahirapan namin ang isa’t-isa he must’ve really really liked my para matiis nya yung mga torture na ibinigay ko sa kanya (wag mo ng itanong kung ano yun). again, for years ganito ang nakakalokang sitwasyon namin, relasyong hindi ko maunawaan i even ran out of reasons why i kept on sticking with him. para siyang virus, a cold virus for that matter.

nung mabalitaan ko na si girl2 at H2 ay hiwalay na umasa na naman ang puso kong engot, maybe this time the universe will grant me my reward for being so stupidly inlove with H2. pero malupit si universe, H2 got into another relationship but again not with me(to girl3)… fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me… pero wala akong kadala-dala i even try to fought for what i thought was rightfully mine to the point na gusto kong magpakacheap and i am so close on doing that thank goodness i didn’t! that was when i hit rock bottom and decrlared (martial law? hahaha tawa muna…) enough! suko na’ko… i was so furious to myself coz i’d let him push me beyond stupidity i am so stupid not to see that he just wanted me to be the girl at bay… ang babaeng datnan at panawan ng ulirat sa kakahintay. i’ve had enough (so i thought at that time), break kung break! ooopppsss… teka! ala nga pala kaming relasyon arrgg! basta yun… i turned and walk away.

the stages of depression was hell! pero balewala na yun kumpara sa sakit na natiis ko. pinipilit ko na lang tanggapin na for the second time that i cannot have what i want if it is not really for me and the least that i could do is to cry, get mad and deal with it. again, tuloy ang buhay… there’s no use on crying over a non-existent relationship.

days… months… had passed i thought naalis ko na siya sa sistema ko ’til that day… that day when he asked me out , really asked me out on a date. darn! i said yes but i did said yes not because umaasa pa’ko na madudugtungan pa namin ang anumang nakalilitong relasyon kami, part of me really stopped hoping. i must say in all honesty that i felt happy that time coz obviously i still have something for him. the main reason why i really agreed on going out with him was i wanted to straight things up somehow i know that this date would be the turning point of all the turning points sa kung anuman meron kami (alam ko dama ko). it’s either black or white, tapos kung tapos at tuloy kung tuloy. i don’t want gray answers anymore if he’d come back, well and good kung hindi edi hindi. i just want us to have a closure.

that very anticipated and dreaded date didn’t happen (i am sorry to burst your bubble). he backed out and cancelled it. he cancelled it without even telling me that it’s cancelled (hhuuuwwaaatt??!!). had i not texted him the night before that date hindi ko pa malalaman thank God hindi ako nanghinayang sa piso para itanong kung matutuloy kami (my instinct told me that i should text him that night) or else mas kalunos-lunos ang sama ng loob ko sa kakahintay. he said something came up na hindi nya maipagpapaliban kinabukasan. he expected me to understand? how can i? the date was set two weeks before, two weeks… enough time to fix his schedule and it’s sunday for goodness sake! i don’t know… maybe to some it’s a petty thing, the reasonable side of me wanted to understand but hell! i am so damn tired of understanding his alibis and excuses. i cried that night and promised myself that i’ll never ever again ever shed a single tear to that jerk! he really is a jerk in fact you can look at the dictionary and see that the meaning of the word spells his name in capital letters (by the way that dictionary? the author is … me)

curious if we had a confrontation ’bout that date? yes we had. he just simply repeated the same lame excude that he gave me the other night. deadma, ayoko na nga sanang pansinin but i got really pissed off when he had the gall to say to me that “…andiyan ka lang naman lagi e.” grrrr! if a stare could kill baka pinaglalamayan na siya nung araw na’yon. i couldn’t even muster a word aof protest sa pinaghalo-halong shock at galit na maluha-luha na’ko but i fought back the tears with all my might, i won’t give him the satisfaction of seeng me so messed up. siguro nabasa niya ang pinaghalo-halong emosyon sa mukha ko so he goes, “gusto mo ituloy natin ngayon? hindi ko na lang gagawin yung dapat kong gawin…” (hindi pa nakuntento sa una nyang statement) see? i told that he really is a jerk. he loves to manipulate my emotions. he wanted to pass that guilt feeling on me… manhid na’ko at di na yun tumalab sa akin.

it’s over… i want closure, i got it… that time isa lang ang nasa isip ko “H2 got no sense of respect for me, not even a strand of it…” and it took me years to realize that. loving someone like him is like riding a carousel, the first ride is exciting but later on nakakahilo na dahil paikot-ikot lang and it is so predictable. loving someone like him can cause you a serious heart desease because of the damage he will create in your heart and loving someone like him can make you stupid.

i waited and he’s not worth it. it’s over… somehow despite the anger and pain i felt happy coz it’s like waking up from a bad nightmare. i love and i lost the second time around and again all i could do is to cry, get mad and deal with it.

lessons learned? love has so many facade (an-deep), don’t just believe on what you see… dig deep and keep an open eye ’bout small details. there is no such thing as loving uncoditionally trust me.

on the lighter note, hindi totoong pag may tiyaga may nilaga kalimitan pag may tiyaga may engot! hehehe…

 

i am fully recovered from H2 na kahit na anong gawin niyang pagbabalik (in between H3 and H4) he cannot bring back that loving feeling from me again, maliban sa panaka-nakang pagkairita sa paminsan-minsang pagpi-feeling niya. sinara ko na ang pinto nilagyan ko pa ng tatlong padlock at ang bintana naman bukas pwede siyang sumilip pero… may grills! and though we became friends kuno, hanggang dun nalang yun.

then came the man who made me wish and pray again to God that let him be the one…..

 

-itutuloy na naman-